I have a new job. Well Ok it is not NEW new, I have been there about 7 months now but when the rest of the “team” have been working there for 20 years a piece then it is definitely new! Anyway I work for a Local authority, yes boo hiss, waste of tax payers money the lot of us, but I actually do one of the “your life could depend on this!” jobs and don’t get paid half of what I am worth so boo hiss yourself!
But I digress. One of the guys I work with is leaving soon, he has become disheartened with the way the LA is going and has decided to jump ship and hey good luck to him! But that means I have just had 2 weeks of “Plllleaaase come to my leaving do! We will go to the pub and then on to a nice meal it will be great!!!” See I don’t “do” these things, I am no good at them, I am not an outgoing type of person and I always feel like I am just there to make up numbers but you can only take so many hours of sad eyes and pleading can’t you? So yes I gave in and last night I went. Stupid stupid STUPID!
The pub was not too bad (even though I was driving home that night so was on lemonade only “honest officer!”) There were people there that were not from the immediate team so I could talk to them and I had quite a good time. This lasted for about 30 minutes though and our little party decided to separate from the crowd and go our own way and from that point on new boy syndrome kicked in.
I do not know all of the history of “Oooh and then David went and did…” and all I can do is stand there with an idiot grin on my head nodding. This of course goes on for an hour or so until we go to get food. Ah yes the food. What a joyous occasion that was!
Chinese buffet… yes well… what can I say. A Chinese buffet!!!! Chinese food is not meant to sit around in little metal trays for 5 hours looking like school dinners and it is certainly not meant to burp back at you! But they are only catering to what the punter wants so fair enough. Not my choice and at 15 quid a pop a tad over the top and 2.30 for a beer?!
But people, please try to learn how to use chopsticks! Please learn how to say Wasabe and what it is!! Don’t make jokes about the waiters as around the back they carry huge bloody big cleavers that will hurt once thrust into your spine! And if you have to ask how to pronounce the name of the Chinese beer don’t try and repeat it and get it wrong on purpose to make the waiter smile because all he is thinking is “Where did I leave the cleaver?” The food will not kill you and yes the runny red stuff is a sauce and oooh yes it is that exciting sweet and sour stuff!!! Who would of thought it eh? And in the middle of your exciting “city!”
Yes once again I digress. New boy syndrome. Yes. Ok. All 13 of us were places on a long table with 7 to each side sitting face to face. Not really conducive to conversation but I didn’t mind as I had strategically placed myself next to someone I knew I could talk to for the rest of the night about a career we both used to have so I was not too unhappy until… we went to get food. Sounds innocent doesn’t it? Yup.
No. I come back from getting a starter only to find my seat taken by someone else who wants to talk to x, y wants to talk to c and so the next seat down is taken and d doesn’t like j so they have shuffled too leaving me sitting where? Right down the end of the table facing? No one. Odd number of people, seat at the end with no wall = no one opposite = the next 2 hours being ignored by pretty much everyone. My forays into conversation are met with stony glares and even stonier silences. This is what you begged me to come on?? This is why we spent 2 weeks going “But it won’t be the same without you!” No it wouldn’t of been would it? I would have been at home doing something fun and you could of spent today at work not trying to pretend we spoke at all last night! As for “Thanks for coming, we must do this again real soon it was fun!” Which bit was the fun bit? Oh yes I know the bit at the pub where people spoke to me, the bit where I was appreciated for who I am and the bit where people made me laugh and guess what? I made them laugh!
So to sum up, Mr Green and Miss Pink. We must do it again some time and I promise to bring Ms Blick!
And no my name is not Horatio, that is one of them there Nom de plumeys, I aint fick ya know it is one of them there “The names has been changed to protect the incontinent”
Ah its so good to vent ones spleen isn’t it.