After having spent last night sitting here tapping away at the keyboard with my one finger typing trying to put across my feelings about my work erm… mates? I find myself not really knowing what to do with this blog thing now. I could delve into my inner sanctum and find something totally personal to talk about but after reading a few of the other articles floating about I don’t think I am ever going to match up to school uniform and cheerleader fantasies and if I ever do get into this thing to that extreme please won’t somebody take me out the back and give me a good slapping! Or is that delving into an inner sanctum? Ah see what I did there? Now you are not too sure are you? Am I one of those slap me I’m kinky people or am I really just a… well I was going to say normal person but what the hell is that anyway? Some of the people I know that are considered normal are the sorts of people that end up climbing on top of a water tower with a sniper rifle taking pot shots at the people passing by whilst singing a happy little ditty to themselves.
Anyway (and yes I do start sentences with that a lot, it is a nice word, homely, honest etc.. anyway it is my blog back off!) Where was I, oh yes. Anyway I was going to explain why I have decided on Horatio as my name thing (technical term that), but I think I will remain a man of mystery, yeah a man of mystery that might or might not like the odd slap now and again. I will probably drone on about the whole Horatio thing some time in the near distant future anyway and the all of the illusions will be shattered, there will be disappointed looks on faces and babies crying into their milk. Ok maybe not to that extent there may be the odd exclamation of “Oh is that all??”
What I will let on today though is my love of horse riding, no no no! We are not back to the kinky thing here! I dunno you people and your minds you disgust me! I am not very good at it yet, my canter still needs a lot of work and I still quake with fear when I take a horse over a 3 foot high jump! There is me, a man of 6’ 3” screaming like a girl when a horse jumps over a small stick. Well to be fair to the horse it is not even jumping is it? It is a small step for a horse, (the temptation to do the one small step for a horse one giant leap for me has just won), and whenever I saw people with the look of “OMG I’m going to die!!!” when I saw them doing it before I rode had me in stitches but I tell you people it just aint a natural thing and I don’t think I am ever going to get used to it, I had better because sooner or later I am going to want to compete in cross country and if you ever see an event with a bloke screaming like a girl clinging to the back of a horse then hopefully it is me and I have made it to a decent level and please feel sorry for me. If it is not me then please feel free to laugh your ass off at the poor devil as I will surely be doing and I will be turning around to the person next to me and say “I do that, I don’t scream like that though, nah it’s nothing this jumping lark, don’t know what the fool is worried about!” I know it is a lie and I know I will go to hell for it but I can always turn around on judgment day and show them this and say at least I told the truth somewhere! Oooh blogs as an insurance policy! Maybe I should patent that! Could call them Godblogs! A hi-tech line to the man (or woman) upstairs, quicker then prayer and will last a lifetime.
I could expand this whole article and talk about how the tack shops in England should stock more things for men and how not only skinny men ride, but that is for another day I think, a day when I have tried to buy some nice riding boots and been shown the door with cries of “Get out you mutant we only go to size 5! And as for you need for breeches!!!”
If you have reached this far may I thank you for your patience and apologise for the sudden feeling of disappointment you are about to feel when you realise this is the end and it has gone absobloodylutely nowhere, I could do the whole back of thing again but I think my one finger is tired and bleeding and now I will just go to bed and have a little rest… now where did I put that riding crop… ah now see, you will be asking why I want a riding crop if I am going to bed! Is it back to the slapping or am I just going to put it away with my riding gear after a day in the saddle?
Goodnight dear reader, happy trails.